February 29th, 2004

new hair cut

(no subject)

His memorial service is next Sunday evening and my head is filled with all sorts of insane questions. Did he think twice about jumping in the canoe or was he too wasted? Was he at sea for long before he died? And, of course, the persistant nagging question, did he know he'd die out there floating on the water? I hope the answer to all of those questions is no.

I have a mix CD I burned for him on Nathan's computer. I'm going to bring it to the memorial and leave it with his girlfriend. Thats all we ever talked about really -- music and his girlfriend. I can't even begin to fathom the Hell she's been in. Losing Jason the weekend they were to move in together, just a week before Valentine's Day. She stopped by the store this afternoon, and I just didn't know what to say to her. It seems like no words I could utter could even begin to compare to the depths of what she must be feeling.

***

There is nothing I can write here that will make me feel even one iota better. I cancelled on a little KIP'ing (knitting in public!) with chanwich tonight, which was tres lame. I cried on the bus on the way home from work instead. And now I'm going to take the meager tips I made for putting up with assholes and rejects all afternoon, and dump them into my gas tank. Figuratively, of course. And perhaps then I'll have enough gas money to head over to Bongbadia so I can curl up on the couch with my sammay.